I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize