fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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