The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
