The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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