I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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