he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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