She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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