I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
