life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
