i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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