she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
