Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
