Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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