I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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