i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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