you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
