So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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