areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
