you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
