Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I deserve this hangover.
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