You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
