i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
