Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
