I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
