i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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