you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
