i think my tv is drunk
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
