I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you inspire me to be a worse person
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
