How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
