Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
