I think my fart just growled at me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize