have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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