Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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