i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
