I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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