You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize