My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
