Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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