im six kinds of drunk right now
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize