Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize