i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
