There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
