my room smells like sperm. sweet.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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