Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
