Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
