I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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