Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
