he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
