Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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