My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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