I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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