My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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