pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
