it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
