dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
pop tarts are not kleenex
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize