When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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