she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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