im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
