dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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