She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
