both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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